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Humour and Limericks
What for does blonde buy cortains?
A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink
curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blonde seemed to be having a
hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, Fifteen inches.
Fifteen inches??, asked the salesman, that sounds very small. What room are they for?
The blonde says, Oh, they are not for any room they are for my computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, But, Miss, computers do not have curtains.
The blonde says, Hellooooooooo I've got Windows.
What to do with all those free soaps when traveling
Dear Maid, please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since
I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine
chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman
* * *
Dear Room 635, I am not your
regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I
took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only
the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to
leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
* * *
Dear Maid I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room
this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size
Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
* * *
Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel
soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps
which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where
your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins
and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty
* * *
Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Kensedder, informed me this
A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your
maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please
contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM
and 5 PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
* * *
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since
I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6 PM.
That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about other 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this
to me?
S. Berman
* * *
Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering
soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
* * *
Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had
to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
* * *
Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will
be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
* * *
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here.
All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
* * *
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them
removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed
to receive daily [sic]. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some
bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
* * *
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
2. On Kleenex dispenser 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On bedroom dresser
1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish
6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted.
Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Why worry?
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
If you are sick, there are two things to worry about:
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
If you die, there are only two things to worry about:
Either you will go to Heaven or Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to Hell, you will be so damn busy
Shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
Whose job ...?
This is the story about four people named Everybody,
Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done,
and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
When Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
* * *
Police Inspector: If a lion escaped from the zoo, what steps would you take?
Young Constable: Big ones, sir.
* * *
Philip, asked the chemistry teacher. What is HNO3? Oh, er ...just a minute,
Miss, it's on the tip of my tongue... Well, in that case, spit it out, it's nitric acid.
* * *
Why don't skeletons play music in church? Because they don't have any organs.
* * *
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use double door at the side entrance.
(Comment: Weight Watchers is a club for fat people, who want to loose weight, they collects together,
measure their weight and appladause to those who lost some) :)))
* * *
Woman: Tell me, Des, how do you like your new school?
Des: Closed.
* * *
An Irishman telephoned the airport and asked, How long does it take to fly to Ireland? The receptionist
on the phone said, Just a minute,... He said, Thank you very much, and put down the phone.
* * *
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Some of Murphy's Laws
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
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